I know he’s blood
But you can still turn him away
You don’t owe him anything
Do you go to the dungeon
To find out how to make peace
With your days in the dungeon?
Writing a letter to you
Didn’t make me feel any more peaceful
Than how I felt when we weren’t speaking
Because I didn’t cop to what I did
I can’t love you because we’re supposed to have professional boundaries
I’d like you to be schooled and in awe
As though you were kissed by God full on the lips
I’m in the front row
The front row with popcorn
I get to see you, see you close up
Slid into the ditch
I have this overwhelming loss of ambition
We said let’s name thirty good reasons
Why we shouldn’t be together
I started by saying things like ‘you smoke’ ‘you live in New Jersey’
You started saying things like ‘you belong to the world’
All of which could have been easily refuted
But the conversation was hypothetical
I am totally short of breath for you
Why can’t you shut your stuff off?
I’m in the front row
The front row with popcorn
I get to see you, see you close up
For a while I’m speaking
You know how much you hate to be interrupted
Maybe spend some time alone
Fill up your proverbial cup
So that it doesn’t always have to be about you
I’ve been wanting your undivided attention
I like the fact that you’re nothing like me
Are you not burdened by the lack of perspective people
Have of your charmed life (seemingly)?
I’m in the front row
The front row with popcorn
I get to see you, see you close up
Hey I’m not mad at you guardian
I’m mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your Jekyll and Hyde-ness
I’m glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist
You laughed a wicked laugh and said ‘come here let me clip your wings’
(I know he’s blood but you can still turn him away you don’t owe him anything)
‘Raise the roof’ he yelled ‘yeah raise the roof’ I yelled back
(Unfortunately you need a health scare to re-prioritize)
No thanks to the soap box
Having me rile against them won’t make an ounce of difference
I’m in the front row
The front row with popcorn
I get to see you, see you close up
dear dar(lin’) your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was frantic
saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself
I guess she thought i’d be a perfect resort because we’ve had
this inexplicable connection since our youth and yes they’re in shock
they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama
you this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion
if we were our bodies
if we were our futures
if we were our defenses i’d be joining you
if we were our culture
if we were our leaders
if we were our denials i’d be joining you
I remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know
you said “I don’t want ever to be brainwashed” and you were mindboggling you were intense
you were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful
if we were our nametags
if we were our rejections
if we were our outcomes i’d be joining you
if we were our indignities
if we were our successes
if we were our emotions i’d be joining you
you and I we’re like 4 year olds we want to know why and how come about everything
we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds and never talk small and be intuitive
and question mightily and find god my tortured beacon
we need to find like-minded companions
if we were their condemnations
if we were their projections
if we were our paranoias i’d be joining you
if we were our incomes
if we were our obsession
if we were our afflictions i’d be joining you
we need reflection we need a really good memory feel free to call me a little more often
I was afraid you'd hit me if I'd spoken up
I was afraid of your physical strength
I was afraid you'd hit below the belt
I was afraid of your sucker punch
I was afraid of your reducing me
I was afraid of your alcohol breath
I was afraid of your complete disregard for me
I was afraid of your temper
I was afraid of handles being flown off of
I was afraid of holes being punched into walls
I was afraid of your testosterone
I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
And i've kept mine bubbling under for you
You were my best friend
You were my lover
You were my mentor
You were my brother
You were my partner
You were my teacher
You were my very own sympathetic character
I was afraid of verbal daggers
I was afraid of the calm before the storm
I was afraid for my own bones
I was afraid of your seduction
I was afraid of your coercion
I was afraid of your rejection
I was afraid of your intimidation
I was afraid of your punishment
I was afraid of your icy silences
I was afraid of your volume
I was afraid of your manipulation
I was afraid of your explosions
I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
And i've kept mine bubbling under for you
You were my best friend
You were my lover
You were my mentor
You were my brother
You were my partner
You were my teacher
You were my very own sympathetic character
You were my keeper
You were my anchor
You were my family
You were my saviour
And therein lay the issue
And therein lay the problem
